HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT

There’s something I’ve learned about myself over the last few years that I’ve been hesitant to admit until very recently. It’s a truth I have only learned through experience. I can’t say I’ve fully accepted it as a part of my identity or if it’s just something I’ve adapted into. I don’t know if it’s something that has produced more positive experiences or if it has generated more pain. But the reality of it’s existence is something I can no longer deny. I understand this could be considered a shocking statement. If we’re friends, this may be a startling revelation. If we used to be friends, you may have experienced this truth first hand. Here it is…

I REALLY LIKE CONFLICT.

How’s that for honesty? It’s true. I’ve come to the simple conclusion that most of the reason I’ve experienced so much relational tension in my life is due to the fact that I like conflict. I’m drawn to it. And on top of that, I’m actually okay with it. The more I really think about, the more I’m convinced that it’s an important quality for a Christian leader to possess. Okay, maybe not every leader needs to “LIKE” conflict, but I do think that it’s imperative that they at least aren’t afraid of it.

Conflict is not a dirty word. At least it shouldn’t be. It has become some sort of big bad wolf within the church and it’s leadership circles. It’s the kind of thing that, when it rears it’s ugly head, sends the boldest of pastors running for the shadows. It has been a daunting chasm that has created impassable division in leadership teams and church communities. It has found itself atop most pastoral leaders’ list of “THINGS TO AVOID”. And while it may seem like a dodged bullet, side-stepping conflict can (and usually will) create more problems than actual relief.

I’m not totally immune to the temptation of eluding conflict. I’m also not so naive as to think that everyone is going to agree with everything I have to say. Not everyone is going to accept what I bring to the table as worthwhile or even good. But I have seen, too often, the affect that making decisions to avoid conflict has had on personal and corporate visions and dreams. I’ve seen leaders promote people and agree to and compromise with, things that don’t line up with the vision and desire that God had put on the their hearts for their respective ministries and missions. All for the sake of evading conflict that may lead to hurt feelings, loss of support and lack of approval. There are a few things that are important for us to understand, if we are going to start handling conflict in a more constructive manner. If we are going to truly carry ourselves as KINGDOM BRINGERS, we’ll need to start looking at conflict differently.

First, we need to start seeing conflict not as a hindrance but as an opportunity. We need to stop rejecting it and learn to truly embrace it. If we really want to know if the Holy Spirit is producing Kingdom fruit in our lives, we need to be open to experiencing moments of conflict for that fruit to be revealed. For example, do you really know if patience is something being produced in your life if you never allow your self to be around people or things that test your patience? How can you tell if you’ve truly matured in Kingdom peace if you haven’t walked through some type up relational storm? Conflict comes for all who live and breath, even those of us that follow Christ. And it can be an awesome opportunity for training and growth. In the bible, Proverbs 27:17 mentions that iron sharpens iron. It’s not talking about the reckless clanging of two dull blades . It’s talking about two sharp swords strategically being buffeted against each other, removing every snare and every nick, for the sole purpose of making them even sharper and more effective for their created use.

Secondly, we need to look at how Jesus handled conflict. We can easily understand that he absolutely experienced it. But we need to see that it wasn’t just him sitting back and dealing with the conflict that came to him. As the original KINGDOM BRINGER, Jesus understood the power and authority that he carried. And he had a unique perspective that allowed him to believe he had the opportunity to restore and redeem. He actually looked for things that weren’t in alignment with the Kingdom of God and considered it a privilege to confront them. The Apostle Paul talks about this in Colossians 1:20 – “Through Jesus, God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.” That means that Jesus was on a mission to bring into alignment the things on earth with the glory of Heaven. He confronted sickness, demons, low self-esteem, broken heartedness, pride and even (especially) the religious. He knew that in order for God’s true glory to be revealed in and through THE CHURCH, there would have to be conflict between the freedom of God’s Spirit and the false authority that comes with the structure and rituals of man. Because of his great love for God’s greatest creation, Jesus faced conflict with authority. He didn’t pull punches and he didn’t waste words. He was also determined to teach his followers to do the same.

Lastly, we need to understand that healthy relationships are growing relationships. In order for real growth to take place, there has to be a willingness to learn and be stretched. Conflict provides opportunity for that. I’ve been in relationships where there was a fear of confrontation. A fear of offending each other. True feelings were never discussed and true struggles never got dealt with. Real Kingdom relationships require truth. And honor. And love. They require a pressing in. I’ve also been involved in relationships where conflict was handled intentionally. Where the yearning for greatness was more of a priority than the temporary satisfaction that comes from bypassing a dispute. There may have been pain when truth was spoken. But when there is truth, there is freedom. And when the door for truth is opened and ultimately stepped through, the atmosphere is set for hearts to align and for God’s plan for thriving relationships to be a reality.

I’ve heard it said that conflict leads to intimacy. I haven’t always seen that to be the case, but I haven’t always embraced conflict either. It’s been a fairly new adventure for me. I can honestly say that as I’ve learned to see conflict differently, I’ve found it to be more of a friend than a foe. It’s caused me to understand that not every mole hill is destined to be a mountain. And not every disagreement is a vow of disapproval. It may not seem like the easy road, but it’s the better one. And I do believe that when love is the highest goal, then truth is the path that leads there. And if truth is something you find worthy of seeking, then conflict is a bridge worth crossing. Sometimes it’s the only way to get from one side of the chasm to the other. From one glory to the next. It’s inevitable. It’s coming. Embrace it. And maybe you too, will learn to like it.